This Thing Called Death: Part 1
Is “death” bad? Or are our attitudes and beliefs about It? Humans have judgments about all of these. We create these judgments based on our personal beliefs.
I am not saying that any of them are right or wrong. For example Bill Gates dropped out of college ( which some view as a failure and yet we see the incredible gifts he has given to the world of technology and education.
You may be saying "What? You are comparing my loved one's death to Bill Gates choices?" "Are you crazy??"What does he have to do with my grief about my poor child or my beloved husband/ wife's death!!??"
If you are feeling outrage, take a deep breath; breathe. In the scheme of things, beliefs are beliefs; no good or worse. We are all human and we give meaning to everything. That is a Universal Truth actually , not my opinion. And yes, when we get to a place of healing, aligned with our higher self we will start to see the beliefs square in their lying faces...
What if our loved one’s life, our child‘s life was perfect, the perfect length for their Soul? What if their Soul is still doing what it is meant to do? No less than anyone else, than any of their friends who are still in the physical world?
Yes, my human mind, the mother in me says “I don’t care, I want these wonderful experiences for my child and with my child.” I get that; I still do too. The sadness, the jealousy, feeling bad seeing other children reaching milestones that you know are not for you to ever see your child reaching; never getting to feel the pride.
Let’s face it; it is common for parents to live and fulfill some of their dreams through their children’s lives, or not. We want to see our children happy and succeeding and achieving all the wonderful things that life has to offer! And feeling that our child or other loved one’s life has been “cut short” “denied” deprived of” these wonderful life experiences we do feel betrayed, denied, jealous, angry , sad and frankly “pissed off”. This is not right, not fair!
My 23 year old daughter died three years ago suddenly from Heroin. A real”oxymoron” for me. She was a wonderful person. Made a difference in many people’s lives, was loved by many. I have done a tremendous amount of healing mostly through energy health modalities which have shifted, healed grief and life issues greatly for me.
One sunny afternoon not long ago I was peacefully walking my dog, feeling well, enjoying the sunshine when we passed a parked car. It had a sticker on it from a university, something that you know is very common. I felt my energy and my mood start to spiral down. Hmmm.
I started paying attention to my thoughts and “mental chatter”.. “That’s the school Katie went to… She didn’t graduate from there" (more bad feelings) and so the thoughts went on, feeling bad that she didn’t get to experience this or that, what could have been etc etc. what her friends are experiencing… I think you get it.
Gratefully, I stopped myself mid thought…That little piece of cellophane paper on the car window was a trigger.
Really? Most importantly I let that little piece of paper affect me and change my mood so dramatically! How insane is that! And yet, how common and how human!!
I started to examine what just happened and realized that I had a really bad attitude about death. That which in the scheme of things, I actually know and remember very little about (despite the tons of reading about meta physics and New Thought philosophy and training);that which is as natural as s unrise and sunset, I hated and allowed myself to be emotionally paralyzed by!
I was comparing my daughter’s new life in Spirit to that of other young people who are still in the physical realm. Who said that what they are doing is more important than what she is doing now? For all I know what she is doing is profoundly important to the Universe!
I also must let you know that I have received communications from her that fully support that she is well, happy, evolving tremendously, experiencing only love and compassion and is finally at Home!
My daughter’s life as it currently is, Yes, her LIFE, is just as meaningful and important. What this whole human experience is REALLY ABOUT IS Learning Lessons, all the lessons in the everyday human experiences not per se the college degrees or getting married, or getting promotions.
Rather, a much bigger picture is at hand and I am grateful for that little sticker on that car because it taught me much…about my beliefs, my feelings and that I can choose to have them or not and heal them or not.
Seldom do I any longer feel any strong pangs of sadness or jealousy over a milestone of another young adult friend of hers or seeing my own friends grown children getting married and having babies.. They are nice, lovely events, I am happy for them AND my daughter is accomplishing amazing things in Spirit. They are all doing what they are led to do.
I encourage you to take a look at your feelings and beliefs too. They are not “bad” or “inappropriate”or “immature” or any other hurtful label. They are just "how we feel" right now, at this stage of our life. Also though, if you will, recognize those feelings and beliefs as the source of your pain, my pain which is called grief response.
While they are the source of the pain they are also not TRUTH. Someday, if not now, you may be able to consider that. If I could so can you.
Truth does not cause pain, our resistance to “what is” is what causes pain and false beliefs “masquerading” as Truth cause pain. It does not matter who told you what was “true”.
That is NOT YOUR Fault. However, You now know differently and as adults you and I have a choice. Love or fear, joy or pain. Big choices, neither right nor wrong.
Which feels better? Which is more loving, empowering?
Which resonates with your gut, not your mind?
Resonates with Your heart? With Your soul?
For starts in unpeeling the layers that are at the root of our pain there are many false beliefs called Myths.
To Be Continued...
This Thing Called Death: Part 2
Myths of Grief
I am broken.
No, we may feel that way because the change of our loved one from the physical to non -physical form is a very explosive experience for the human mind.
We miss the physical presence and human experience with our love one. A huge adjustment. We cannot heal or adjust on our own! When we do the healing work of energy therapy we can and will feel “better”.
If we feel better we will lose our connection with our deceased loved one
No. We can never be disconnected from our loved ones. We have an energetic Spiritual connection that is infinite. While the fear based human mind masquerading as “knowing it all” tells us differently, no matter how we feel, no one and no thing can disconnect us from our loved one, ever!
Sooo, knowing that, why not consider what is possible to do to feel better? even happy? It is possible, maybe not always, and not perfectly but often, by doing the healing work that will direct us there.
We lost them.
No. There is a physical separation, but not ever a separation in Spirit. We actually are more with them than we ever were. 24/7. They are very much alive. They know it, we don’t. Until now. This also implies that death is “wrong”. Absolutely we hate it, don’t like it, are afraid of it, gives us “the creeps”. All very human. It has been “inbredded” in us.
And it causes us tremendous PAIN. WE are in human form right now so of course we love humanness. All the delicious sensory, three dimensional experiences we get to have…and many that are challenging and may on any day , if you are anything like me , makes me want to say “beam me up Scotty”. In other words, “I’m done. If I died tomorrow it would be ok”. I am sure some of you can relate to feeling that way…
So while we embrace all that life has to offer, we are very aware of the challenges and still prefer to be alive, again natural because all that we can relate to essentially right now is the human form. And anything to the contrary, which would be “death” is not. So we experience that “contrast” as negative, a “loss”. Get it? We believe death is BAD. A belief which we can choose to change!
Always, Never are real.
No. Change is INEVITABLE. Therefore, always and never are not truths. Unless we choose to believe and feel that we will “never feel better” or will always have a hole in my heart” or some other always or never feeling and belief. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want to affirm that. And you and I have no idea, really, what the future holds anyway! So why waste our mental and emotional energy on believing possible and probable “lies”?
Do you want to just “commiserate” or heal? Expressing all and I mean all of your feelings is absolutely part of the healthy mourning process but be honest. If you want to move on and actually heal, the beliefs and stories behind the feelings need to be uprooted, released and reframed if you are really committed to healing and coming to a place of peaceful coexistence in your heart and soul and homeostasis (physical calmness) in your body.
Grief and Mourning are Synonymous
No. Grief is the natural internal response of your body, central nervous system, mind and emotions to a change in your life. Big or small. Death of a loved one or retirement from a job. Either can cause a grief response
Mourning is the way to heal and release the grief and come to a place of peaceful coexistence and homeostasis in your body, emotions and central nervous system, function better and experience joy and peace.
No. Healing by “doing the work”, specific, intention based, mourning, step by step peeling away of all that is at the root of grief is what heals. That does take time but time by itself does not heal.
Suffering is what keeps us connected.
No. This is very much like number 2 but is worth repeating because it is a HUGE limiting belief causing unnecessary suffering. We are always connected with our loved ones no matter what. Suffering is not the key and our loved ones in Spirit certainly do not want us to feel this way. They see the waste of energy and life and know that “suffering to stay connected” is a fear based belief. The Issue is Do YOU? Do YOU want to suffer or feel better? Do you deserve to? Do you feel it is “appropriate” to?
It is ok that you do not know how to! I WILL show you the way, if you choose…
"What IS" To Consider as True
Defending our limitations”, holding on to our limiting beliefs are what complicate grief and cause excessive suffering.
What is “Defending One’s Limitations” ?
The opposite of Surrender
Staying Stuck by Resisting what is “possible”
Making excuses which keep us stuck
What does that look like?
“Maybe that works for you, but I’m different”.
“Did you lose a ___ (child, husband, etc)"
Any anger and resentment that you feel about this article and its author
Criticizing and “poo pooing” possibilities
Negative vocabulary- never, always, can’t, that’s impossible, I don’t believe…
Anything we think or feel or believe that keeps us immobilized and in pain!
It has been proven in society,that we can and do get pretty much anything that we really put our mind to.
I cannot reiterate enough, that I AM NOT MAKING YOU WRONG, OR CRITICIZING WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!
This is about CHOICE AND OPENNESS TO the POSSIBILlTY OF FEELING AND GETTING BETTER!
What “complicates” grief is :
Resistance to releasing and changing limiting beliefs
Inability/resistance to expressing feelings and emotions
Poor “professional” support. You know in your gut if you have experienced this!
“Stockpiled” grief due to life traumas that have not been expressed and dealt with.
Let me be clear, I am NOT underestimating that people struggle greatly but much of this can be released.
One needs to be open to doing “the active mourning , doing the work” and that includes stopping the “defense of one’s limitations”.
What Heals Grief from being”Complicated” and “immobilizing”?
We can heal when we:
Set the intention to change our mindset and heal our emotions
Do the work necessary. (N.B. The healing process is a lot easier than the suffering!)
Being completely honest about our feelings and thoughts and beliefs
Personally honoring all of them without our judgment and criticism
Fully Expressing all our emotions and beliefs
Having a safe environment to share our personal stories, be authentic
Be heard and honored without criticism or judgment
Coming to an understanding that:
We all as human beings give meaning to everything—including death, grief etc.
That our thoughts and beliefs and unresolved issues in life are the foundation of our complicated grief
Grief can be lessened and healed to a great extent so we can experience happiness and joy in life, live more productively and meaningfully.
Yes, we are all unique and there are healing therapies that are proven effective.
How Do We Heal?
Again, the Intention TO Heal, changing our words and beliefs and healing our feelings and beliefs and stockpiled grief from life by using tried and true Energy Health modalities including Emotional Freedom Technique also known as Tapping and EFT.
It is a profoundly effective tool, very user friendly and self- empowering. I know this from experience. I have created the program that I wish was available to me three years ago. It is here for you now.
Whether you have experienced the death of a child, or a spouse or a parent, sister or friend. I am sorry and I know that you can feel better and do better. I am here to show you the way. Abundant Blessings to you on this journey called Life.
If you are interested, please check out the one on one personal Grief To Joy coaching with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT Tapping) on my website. If you have any questions feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or call 856 220 6403.