The Grief experience can be extremely hard, specifically when it is caused by the physical separation from a loved one by death. However, it can be learned from and we can grow and heal. Or we can succumb to it and become more bitter, hold onto and defend the limiting beliefs which are eating away at our life energy. Believe it or not both are choices…
Too often in the shock and tsunami of emotions in the beginning of this often unchartered albeit common life experience, we don’t get that. We feel totally out of control of anything, everything, most of all being our thoughts, beliefs and feelings!
This being said, a little willingness to be open to what might be possible, some day, even if it seems like a ridiculous fantasy right now, is the possibility of healing.
You define what “healing” means to you. Do you want to feel better, more functional, present in the now, alive full throttle again, thriving, maybe for the first time? not just surviving on stand still?
It is my Intention here to help women to move in a line towards healing, with healing. We do not have to know what that “looks like” or “how” that will happen. We just need to say “Help!” “Uncle!” “I want to feel better” “I want to heal”. Those all speak to INTENTION…
In the Grief experience people often do not know what to say to those who have directly experienced the death of a loved one, in my case and for many of you, a child.
I firmly believe that our friends, neighbors, family , acquaintances most often do their best to support us but are genuinely “clueless” because I’m pretty sure that most of us have not been taught how to Mourn and support others in Mourning! Bottom line we all do our best.
What are referred to as “platitudes” often fall deaf and result in hurt and anger for many people. Personally, I knew that what people were saying was true and was grateful for the efforts made to try and help me feel better. Unfortunately, in the beginning nothing could, but I felt LOVED at least! Thank you all who did your best to support me and my husband and son over the past three years…
I will address the most common statements called Platitudes and hopefully some of what I am inspired to share will resonate with some people and help to open, inspire and heal some hearts and minds in the process.
Unless You’ve Lost A Child, Don’t Say that!
I Have a child who is in spirit; she is not dead nor lost. She made her transition from this life on June 5, 2013. I know exactly where she is. And where your child is too. And she communicates with me whether I hear it or get it or not.
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. …. We'll never be over it.
All we have is today. The ony constant in Life IS CHANGE. So unless we choose to hold on to pain and limiting beliefs, change is here and possible for us! The Now is all there is so I cannot know how I will feel next year or tomorrow for that matter unless I choose to suffer and not do the healing work . I have a choice and so do you and with doing the healing work we can unravel the stock piled grief from life and the limiting beliefs that contribute to terrible pain and suffering.
True, while in human form we may always yearn for our loved ones in the same form but there is soooo much about the way we are feeling right now that can be healed.
A part of us died with our child.
Yes, It sure feels that way. I remember the tsunami of emotions, howling at the moon, getting physically ill and winding up having surgery because of the emotional pain…We can choose to feel differently and do the hard work to realign with our true self and grow and have a wonderful life. As Kahlil Gibran said “
Don’t Tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us where they belong.
The Truth is that she/he is in a better place. My last prayer for my daughter was “God heal her or take her Home”. I miss her and hunger for the physical connection with her too. However, she is right where she belongs.
How do I know? Because her Soul chose to leave earth. If they were meant to be here still they would be. The above is a belief which causes us tremendous pain .They and all of us are Souls who have taken on a human experience. This needs to be reiterated….If they belonged here, they would be here…As Kahlil Gibran states in his eloquent work “on Children” They come through us but are not of us
Don't say “at least they are not suffering”.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
This is a perfectly human question. And within this also lies a root cause of our pain. There is a much much bigger picture at hand. This human life is not all that is or all that is important!
Our souls take on human challenges. Some Souls are OLD and on the Spiritual “fast track”, like taking AP courses in high school and college. They come, get the lessons learned and go Home.
Suffering is a human perception based on beliefs about what Life is and not what it is Truly about. WE are not energetically designed to suffer! yes, have challenges in life but not “suffer”. I am NOT being flip or demeaning about what is. It is Universal Truth. And changing our limiting fearful beleifs can alleviate much of the "suffering"
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Words have power and our words contribute to pain. Our children were not “sacrificed”. Again, they completed their physical journey whether we like it or not. I get it, we don’t like the truth one damn bit!
Nor do we understand how life really works! Resistance to “what is”, being at war with life contributes tremendously to our pain! It is a no win for us!
Surrendering to what is, is the only route to feeling peace. And learning what life is really about and why we are really here.
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Through Intention to Mourn and heal grief , and doing the healing work we can feel better if we choose; it is hard work but sooo much better than staying stuck in pain. We can feel better and people asking us this shows they care! Constructive Mourning and use of energy healing modalities can help grief to lessen “clear up” to a great extent. Day by day, baby step by baby step, a journey to feel whole and joyful and leading a meaningful life.
Don't force your beliefs on us. Not all of us have the same faith.
This is not about “religion”. With all due respect, this sounds like resistance to “what is possible”; choosing to defend one’s Limiting Beliefs which of course everyone has the absolute right to.
There are Universal Principles and absolute proof of life beyond the physical realm and many religious beliefs also contribute to pain. My question is, do your present beliefs make you feel better? Or victimize you, causing you to continue to wallow in pain?
Healing grief is not a Religion but FAITH IN THE POSSIBILITY of healing and changing one’s life, if you choose.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Gratitude for what we have had and what we did not have is healing. Express all the hurt, feelings, bitterness in productive ways if you choose to heal. Our children left this planet at the perfect time that their Soul chose to leave. You of course do not have to embrace this Truth.
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Yes, this feels true and I ask what are you doing to take care of and support yourself? take care of your needs? Perhaps reevaluating what and if belief in “god” fits for you in life is very normal aspect of grief and mourning.
Also, allow all this pain to be expressed including getting angry at God, whatever it is to you! It does feel unbearable and the energetic force of these emotions can make us sick. Energy modalities as EFT are highly effective to healing.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
When we “bite the hand that feeds us” people will back off. None of us have been taught to express grief, mourn that is, in a healthy way. The platitudes that you are being so critical about may actually be someone’s best effort to support you and show love and help you have some Gratitude for what you do have ! They are scared to death too! I know this does not help you…but ti can be like the blind trying to lead the blind.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
With all due respect of your right to feel this way, this is one of the most damaging beliefs of all of these! You may feel this way but it is not a Universal Truth, your truth, your opinion which whether you like hearing this or not is contributing towards tremendous pain for you! Human beings HAVE ALWAYS DIED YOUNG! Who said?, where did you hear, read that that is against the “natural order” ? I absolutely agree that we hate this and don’t want it in our lives but it is natural.
Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Getting a little more honest and vulnerable. Thank you. Healing grief
through constructive Mourning as coaching etc. can resolve this.
To Be Continued...
Are their beliefs that you have that you would like to explore? Questions and thoughts that you keep mulling over? Please share and lets have a conversation...Have a peaceful relaxing day.